August 2010
2 posts
July 2010
1 post
June 2010
3 posts
May 2010
9 posts
April 2010
1 post
March 2010
3 posts
January 2010
5 posts
November 2009
4 posts
July 2009
4 posts
hey gurl why do you look so down all of the time is it because when we went to the record fair they didn’t have that k records white vinyl seven inch because that is nothing to worry about we can find that on the internet i’m sure everything will be fine with that but why are you so down all of the time is it all the drugs it’s the drugs isn’t it
hey gurl i was walking down the street a couple of days ago and i saw you holding a watermelon and when i told my life coach about he said you were in your forties and well there are many things i believe in the world like that bounty is the quicker picker upper but i do not believe that you are forty if you are forty then i am not the world’s greatest lover if you are forty then it turns...
April 2009
10 posts
hey gurl i thought you were getting married to that sensitive guy because you are a big movie star now where you play girls who losers fall in love with and you reciprocate which is weird and maybe that is you being true to life but now you are kissing girls and you went on warped tour i mean there is nothing wrong with either of those things but you have to make up your mind otherwise i am...
hey gurl remember that time when i rushed home because my boss was coming over to dinner and you made him a whole chicken but then the dog stole it from the kitchen table and dragged it all over the garden and it was nice because he dragged it over the oregano so it gave it more flavor and smelled better but it was covered in dirt so we couldn’t eat it but my boss was already here so i had...
hey gurl look i understand that you are a lady and whenever you say that you will meet me at 8 o clock that really means closer to 9 if i am lucky but i need to get something off my chest i hope you do not find it too forward or offensive because i feel like you are now doing this to spite me and that is fine to a point but come on it is now one in the morning and the wendy’s is going...
hey gurl i know you are probably busy right now doing whatever it was that you did in your life but could you honestly knock off the whole role model game because i swear to you if i meet one more girl at a ruby tuesday bar who says that she really likes you and then i wake up and she is gone and so is my blender i am going to be upset because there are only so many times i can go to a target...
hey gurl i hear you are down and let me tell you something nothing cures a strong funk like a cup of hot chocolate some biscotti and a long night of watching grey’s anatomy or private practice or anything on abc really i know you’d probably like all of those shows well what do you say i mean people are getting desperate and i think i’m the right guy to bring you out of this...
hey gurl my friend thinks that you look like a horse but i do not think that is true i think if you looked like any animal it would be one that nobody has even found yet that is how good looking you are
hey gurl i know you have been down recently because that is all you sing about but i really just want to go over to your apartment or you call it a flat i will go to your flat in my argyle sweater and we can sit around and listen to arthur russell records and eat some vegetarian meatloaf and then i’ll feed your cats
hey gurl why is your friend saying that gay dudes are like lima beans i find lima beans to be delicious and well you know where i am going with that
hey gurl i found out that you are getting naked in a movie that is not even being released in theaters that must be very sad for you on the bright side halle berry showed her boobs and then won an oscar i mean it is not the same because the movie she was in people actually saw it but i mean you could still win an award probably not an oscar maybe an mtv movie award or do you already have one of...
hey gurl let me tell you something for years YEARS i say i was trying to get you into this and all you do is say no i am not into that sort of thing and then lo and behold i turn on the tv and all you can talk about is how you were so excited to go to the huge teabagging party and well the next time you call me scared that you think there is a communist trying to give you a gay baby i will hit...
March 2009
12 posts
hey gurl i have noticed some things about you pertaining to your appearance that i would like to clear up with you i do not mind that certain body parts of yours are bigger than most in fact that is why i am sure you are quite popular i mean some people may think it is grotesque that your bottom could block out the sun for a very small child have you thought about doing that i think i saw that...
hey gurl you must be the best tennis player i have ever seen although here is one thing i do not get why is zero called love in your sport is that some sort of biting social commentary that love means nothing to people who play your sport because i would like to think that is not true i mean look at what you wear when you play if that does not conjure up feelings of love that mean more than zero...
hey gurl those glasses are not fooling me in the slightest you are very attractive for an older lady i mean you are not like martha washington old or anything but you are a little out of my age range or am i a little out of yours if you know what i am saying but seriously what i am saying is that you and i should get together some night and i could laugh at all of your adroit observations about...
hey gurl here is one thing i do not understand about you is that you became a pop star after you were in a band and now you are back in the band at first i thought you were still in the band you just changed the name of the band to your name and replaced everyone with some japanese girls but it turns out you had a solo career where you made some silly music that barely made sense i mean holla...
hey gurl why do you look so disinterested all the time is it because you are not getting stimulated enough at home i could remedy that situation in a variety of ways maybe with some scrabble or trivial pursuit (the easy editions girl i am not any kind of a genius like that genius edition) or maybe some cranium if you want some other people involved if you are into that kind of thing (i am not...
hey gurl i know this might seem out of the blue but i have decided to take one for the team and try to get to know you because the last time nobody could find a job you were in charge or something (you know what they say you were behind that guy and he was smart and you’re smarter) and i just wanted to say hello and that if me taking one for the team means me and all of my friends can get...
Dear ms-im-too-good-to-call-or-write-my-fans, Thisll be the last package I ever send your ass Its been six months and still no word - I dont deserve it? I know you got my last two letters; I wrote the addresses on em perfect So this is my cassette Im sending you, I hope you hear it Im in the car right now, Im doing 90 on the freeway Hey emily, I drank a fifth of vodka, you dare me to drive? You...
hey gurl i know you probably don’t want me saying this but the last time we were out you barely touched your sloppy joe i mean i took time out of my busy schedule to take you out to a nice restaurant and you don’t even eat your food is everything okay at home i mean i know things are crazy with that guy being in italy but girl i have been taking good care of you and not locking your...