hey gurl

hey gurl i know your husband leaves you alone for christmas and makes you eat all those cookies and makes all your kids build toys all year round and does not even pay them and why does the cbs i-team not look into that instead of why golden corral’s chocolate fountain tastes a little bit like beef but anyways if you want me to come over next christmas and rub your feet and sing to you like johnny mathis then let me know you know how to get in contact with me your husband watches me when i am asleep

hey gurl i know you are in that show now where you are a teen witch or something and you have sex with that guy and that other guy and that girl and the vice president and an ottoman so that sounds pretty great i am glad that you are doing that

hey gurl i know it has been a long time since i got in contact with you and i am sorry for that but you did go crazy that one time for ten years and that must be awful to still be going through that but at least you found a man who is going to stand by you while you are still crazy does he get all kinds of free ice cream now too or was that just that one time anyways i just wanted to get back in touch with you to see if everything is going well and maybe possibly to see if you still had my vhs copy of species because i really need it for this weekend

hey gurl i am not bitter or anything but since you dumped me for that guy again a few things have happened let me list them for you first off i got promoted and am now in charge of refilling the water in the squeegee stations and i finally finished digging that hole that you loved and i beat that old wino in a foot race so i am doing pretty great if i may say so and what has he ever done other than knock you up and pose for playboy and one time he hit on kim kardashian i mean who has not done that at this point

hey gurl i know you have been complaining a lot recently about the spark going out of our relationship or whatever and i just do not believe that you are coming at me with that because i have been as romantic as all get out i mean just yesterday i ordered that popeye’s family pack with 12 pieces of chicken (dark meat because i know how much you like that) and all kinds of biscuits and we sat down and watched robocop 2 and 3 and it does not get any more romantic than that now does it

hey gurl i know that you and i don’t always get along because whenever we try to order papa john’s and sit down and watch the ugly truth on netflix you want extra peppers and i do not want those devil’s fingers anywhere near my bacon and egg pizza and you accuse me of not wanting to watch that movie because you say i think it is dumb well i am okay with that because we both know it is not true you are smarter than that dog that wears a graduation cap and is reading from a book but gurl there is no reason for you to take it out on some other guy because then you get the internet mad at you and then how are we going to watch the ugly truth on netflix instant watch